One of the most frustrating experiences of life is when we are clear about our goals but it just seems we can’t achieve them. Certainly life can present barriers that block us but, even so, most of the obstructions in our lives are a function of us.

What does that mean? Well, one of my clients has a very serious illness. Recently, she was complaining about the barriers in her life – lack of income, having to live with relatives, and being unemployed. One day, she suddenly realized that these “barriers” weren’t important. Instead, being healthy and enjoying her life was.

What occurred is that she clarified her values and realized that these barriers weren’t critical. Instead, she decided to refocus herself and to enjoy what she did have.

This story is meant to lead us to closely evaluating what we are “worried” about, to be thoughtful about our direction in life, and to reconnect with the pleasure of being alive. To do this, several steps can be very helpful.

1 – What do you value and how do you get there?

Survey after survey points out that many of us value material things too much. It is not enough to have a car that works well; no, we have to have a Lexus, Lincoln or a limousine. Clearly, we have a great need to sit down and carefully consider our values, our goals and how to begin to get there.

2 – We want it now!

How many children throw tantrums if they can’t get what they want or keep the toy or cell phone that they are told to put away? Too many to count. What this statement points out though, is that we often want what we want now. Internet markets, TV ads and countless messages imply that we can have what we want now! Want a beautiful mate? Then, drink my beer. Want more money tomorrow, then send me $19.95 and I will tell you how.

Instead of this instant gratification approach, we need to be willing to commit our time and efforts to achieve this. No great athlete has achieved this goal without a lot of time exercising and practicing (particularly in today’s athletic world).Athlete, musicians and academics seem to understand that you need to work for a period of time to get your goals. The rest of us have to get this idea.

3 – Stay the path.

To achieve what you desire, you are going to have to work for it for some time. Sure, TV and movie stars, and some athletes get what they want quickly. These individuals represent the 1-2% of the population that is both lucky and talented. The rest of the 98-99% of all of us, can only get to our goals by steady, long lasting work.

4 – Carpe diem.

This Latin phrase is roughly translated into “Seize the day,” or used to imply the enjoyment of this moment or day. While you may desire a beautiful house, a great car and good income, you have to enjoy what you have. These material goals are acceptable but true success is tied to enjoying what you have and using your capacities to their fullest. As emphasized by the proponents of mindful meditation, we need to work to not spend our times in our minds worrying or fretting. Instead, find pleasure in work, in life, in awful weather and in everything in which we are involved.

5 – It may be painful but it will be better.

Often, we avoid painful experiences. Certainly I am not advocating that you go run your head against a brick wall. What I am expressing is that we may have to do things we find painful in order to have peace in our minds. This means that maybe we will have to find a different job, a different career or a different environment to live in. Changing jobs, career or environments can be painful. Or, we have to change friends, religions, social groups or similar social contacts. Again, such acts are painful.

Finally, we will probably have to do master painful acts like speaking in front of a group, learning how to dance, how to run a computer, or mastering skills. Such steps can be painful and only by forcing ourselves to live our values can we achieve the success we may desire.

Stress we all now is not good. Yes, you say, I have stress in my life but what the heck, everyone has it. Well, perhaps you are underestimating the effects of stress and, once you understand its power, you may want to do more to reduce your stressors.

• Stress levels predict mortality. That’s right, the greater stress you feel, the more likely you are to die in the coming years.
• Stress levels predict disease progression. If you any serious ailment, the greater the stress, the more the ailment will progress.
• Stress levels predict susceptibility to disease. Forget the N1H1 influenza shot (just kidding). Instead, reduce your stress because your stress levels predict if you will get sick or not.
• Job strain predicts heart disease. The more stressful you find your work place, the more likely you are to develop heart disease.

Then where does all the stress come from?

Stress is caused by a four step process.

1 – Something upsetting occurs in your environment.

I know, things are always happening in our lives but the major issue is whether you feel the event was stressful or not. For example, my wife’s father recently died but my wife was not stressed by it. She will miss her father, certainly, but this change was, in a sense, a relief.

2 – The event blocks you.

This means that some event enters your life and affects your ability to reach a desired goal.

3 – You feel unable to cope with it.

The event appears (to you) to be beyond your abilities to cope with it. You also feel that you do not have the resources to go around the problem or to find a solution to the problem. In fact, the event feels very threatening.

4 – Your body responds as if this is a “true” stressor.

Yes, I know that many things make us stressed. However, almost all of them are not equivalent of being chased down the street by a hungry lion. If we are chased by a hungry lion, our lives are threatened. If we see an event as very threatening, our lives are not threatened. Instead, our body reacts “as if” our lives are threatened.

This is what stress really is – our bodies are reacting “as if’ we are being threatened but we are only coping with life events.

So, how can you cope with stress or stressors. Several steps come to mind.

1 – Exercise.

Exercise helps us cope physiologically with stress and gives us greater resilience.

2 – Ask for help.

Getting others to help us not only allows us to release some of the stress, we may find that someone has a solution that is workable, which can remove the stress either quickly or in the near future.

3 – Get perspective.

Every day, I think my world is very demanding. Then, one of my clients walks in, relates his/her story, and, suddenly, I realize that I have it made. By listening to their problems, I get perspective on mine. Likewise, if you think about your issues or problems, you can probably begin to realize that your problem will be gone sometime in the future or that others have coped with it. Reading books like Chicken Soup for the Soul are perfect for this too because the stories allow us to get perspective.

4 – Write it out.

Research has shown for a number of years that if we write about our problems every day, then the stress is reduced.

Having watched my children grow up and listening to people nearly every day, I feel that we come into life with self-doubts. Self-doubts are defined by Webster’s dictionary as lack of confidence or faith in oneself.

While this is a good definition, I feel that the definition lacks one important thing. Self-doubts are not general. That is, we usually have the doubts in specific areas. For example, I’ve come across students who doubt their reading ability but not their math ability. I have met individuals who have doubts about their bodies but not about their academic skills. I have also met many individuals who doubt that their intimate partners are trust worthy.

Your doubts are very specific to you. You have your doubts in areas in which others don’t have doubts. I’ve also noted that our doubts tend to become stronger or more prominent as we get older (probably due to the loss of major hormones over time).

The major point is that our self-doubts are probably genetic in their general make up and then expanded or reduced depending on our personal histories. A person, who has a self-doubt about trust with intimates, might not feel this doubt if they never have this experience. Likewise, some doubts are so powerful that the individual has them with or without personal experience to activate the doubt.

With this in mind, what can you do to erase your doubts?

1 – Become aware that you are the source

Often, we like to blame our mothers, fathers, girlfriends, teachers or any one for our doubts. Instead, try to recognize which doubts you have. If you become aware that you don’t trust, that you believe you are a poor student, that people take advantage of you, then you can begin to erase this doubt.

2 – Remember the Big 7

Having been raised as a Catholic, I become aware of the seven big sins. They are: wrath (anger), greed, sloth (laziness), pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. While these seven are by no means all the types of doubts people have, they provide a way of evaluating our own lacks in confidence. In addition, anxiety or worry should be added to this list. What these eight or nine areas provide is a tool we can use every day for recognizing when our self-doubts are at work.

3 – Don’t wait for the fire

One problem we tend to have is that if we notice something isn’t quite right, we don’t like to rock the boat by bringing it up. In so many words, we might notice that we are being envious, but rather than dealing with that emotion at that moment, we put it off. Instead, we begin desiring or coveting the item. Likewise, if you want a new car, it makes more sense to begin saving for it rather than having feelings you are “less than” because you don’t have it; or, equally as difficult, we can act negatively toward the person who owns the car.

4 – Erase those doubts or fears

Hopefully, now we are more aware of your own self-doubts. How then can you erase them? A simple solution is to develop a plan for overcoming them. For example, if you are afraid of speaking up at meetings, your plan would include joining Toastmasters, joining groups and speaking up, reading books on the topic and working to reduce your doubt. A simple plan erases our doubts because we begin working on it step by step until we reach the point where it no longer is problematic.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines success as a degree or measure of succeeding or a favorable or desired outcome. Many of us also define being success as the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence another dictionary definition. However, the older definition is a result or an outcome.

So, as you and I move through life, though we would like to see success as the attainment of some temporary goal, we should look more to the idea of success being the outcome of our efforts over time. At some points in our lives, the outcome will be favorable and at others, not so good. However, often both the good and the bad are due solely or partially to our efforts.

However, if you desire to have more favorable or desired outcomes, then you will have to think differently than the great majority of people. This difference is why there only about 2 percent of Americans and less than 1 percent of all North Americans can be defined as millionaires.

Yet, though these individuals are often considered, to me, the real question about success is that of financial independence. Financial independence is being able to live off your investments or sources of income without working.

One way of estimating this is to use data accumulated by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study. This government agency did a study of those retiring in the United States. The very upsetting results indicate that fully 95 percent of the people in this country do not achieve financial independence by age 65, instead they end up dependent on the government, or charity, or their families, or they have to keep working until they die.

What an upsetting figure this is. Ninety-five percent of those retiring or retired have to rely on someone else to support them. This is appalling.

Is that what lies in your future?

To avoid this trap, there are several things you can do to change the outcome.

1 – Develop good economic control

Years ago, Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin wrote Your Money or Your Life, a book about controlling and using money appropriately, which has been reissued. These authors provide practical ways that you can take over your economic life and live well, and within your means. Instead of wishing to live the life you want, you can live a wonderful life with tremendously less stress.

2 – Independent thinking

Learning to think “outside the box” or as a contrarian is critical. To achieve success, you just can follow the masses. You have to know what you want and think carefully how you will achieve it. To do this, you will have to read and consider many alternatives for your future.

3 – Creative problem solving

Once, due to the deceit of a realtor, we were in a place where the income from our only apartment would not make its payments and we could have lost it. Instead, I adjusted the number of dependents we had and, due to the reduced taxes I paid every month, I was able to make the payments instead of losing the building. The real point is that you may have to be very creative to overcome the challenges in your life. Frequently, only through creative approaches can a successful solution be found for your life’s problems.

4 – Believe you can make a difference

I feel that it is normal to enter life with a number of doubts about ourselves and our abilities. The issue, though, is that rather than being undone by your doubts, you have to work to develop self-confidence. When we bought our first investment property, we had to scrape by. But, we believed we knew we could make the payments.

Likewise, you have to identify areas you wish to develop skills in, and then put in the time and effort to master these skills. Yes, I learned how to be a plumber, a repairman, a carpenter and an electrician from my rentals. I wanted to own property and these were the skills I had to master to keep my costs down.

By believing that I could learn these skills, I went ahead. I also have a female friend, who doesn’t’ drive or use a wrench or screwdriver, but who has owned many properties.

The point is not that I or she did it. Rather, the point is that you need to define what you want for success and move forward toward it. Be economical, be independent, be creative and trust that you have the capacity to achieve success on your terms.

There is probably no worry as great as the one we have if our children are having difficulty in school. Most likely all of us get upset if our child’s name is on the board or we get a call from the teacher. In most cases, this is just “kids being kids.”

On the other hand, there are children whose parents have daily calls from the teachers, who are sent to the office once or twice a week, and who are even suspended when they are kindergarten or first graders. One girl I was aware of threw a water bottle at the teacher in third grade and hit the principal in the fourth grade. Wow, what behavior from such a tiny child.

These children are clearly not “average” and need thoughtfully crafted interventions.

There are several reasons why children may act this way in school.

First, the child is having some difficulty academically. While teachers are often accurate evaluators of their students’ academic skills, they can often be in error. So, if your child presents continuing signs of difficulty, request, in writing, a special education evaluation. These assessments are free and should be completed in about 50 days of your request.

Second, if the child has adequate academic skills, several issues need to be considered.

1 – Does the child have good academics but poor classroom performance?

If so, this may be an indicator of your child’s low confidence in their academic skills. This can be improved by getting your child academically ahead of the class (so they know the answer already). Or, by making sure that all homework is done and the child has been prepared for the coming day.

From third grade on, be very aware that poor spelling or writing skills can be the primary culprit. By middle and junior high school levels, poor spelling or writing skills are the primary causes why children stop doing homework and start dropping out. Work to build a strong, basic writing vocabulary and teach how to write a three or four sentence paragraph. If a child can connect three or four paragraphs (of three or four sentences apiece), then they most likely can pass all high school exams (and maybe even the bar for lawyers).

2 – Are they not doing class work or homework?

If so, then they need help with getting homework done, checked and prepared for return to the teacher. For class work, consider a study buddy (a good kid that doesn’t mess around too much) who may be able to prompt your child to get it done.

3 – Are they not turning in homework?

If so, then work out a reward system that rewards turning in homework to get them over their academic doubts.

4 – Are they acting out at school?

If so, first identify what time this behavior occurs. Early morning behavior usually indicates academic doubts or weaknesses, while afternoon behavior suggests tiredness or hunger. Difficulties at recess or lunch usually suggest peer teasing or difficulty making friends.

Daily report cards, if crafted correctly, are great for eliminating acting out behaviors during the school day. Recess and lunch problems are best corrected by teaching appropriate social skills to stop or heavily reduce teasing. A good therapist that understands schools can really help on this last step.

According to most researchers studying difficulties in marriages and relationships, communication failures are the most common reason for breakups and divorces. When communication between the partners falters or stops, then the negative feelings begin to take center stage.

In fact, if you think about it, why are we married or together? Isn’t the main goal to have interaction, to be able to do things jointly, and to be able to share our lives?

If we start having problems with issues, then it can become very difficult to be able to talk over even daily plans. When couples are having great difficulties, one simple step you can use is to have a daily planning session in the morning before you start your days. Such a session is usually short (like five minutes or less) and is more businesslike than not.

Six more steps that can assist you to improve your communication are:

1 – Start with the points you share

Instead of trying to tackle tough problems, begin with the reasons you are together and what you are hoping to achieve in the future.

2 – Seek mutual understanding

It is very easy to believe we are right and they are wrong. You must first begin to accept that your partner acts as they do because they “feel” it is right for them. In fact, in most relationships, there is almost never a “right” way. Instead, begin by asking them to explain why they have acted as they have. Then summarize (not defend) why you see it your way.

3 – No, the best defense is not a strong offense

One of the major issues in couples’ communication difficulties is the frequent need to defend our position (usually strongly). You must remember what you goal is. Your goal should not be to win the argument. This implies that you do not need to defend your actions or take offense at your partner’s comments or views.

4 – Clarify your position

Remember, your goal is to find common points so you can improve your relationship. Explain your actions in terms of how you believed they would make things better rather than worse. Describe your feelings, your doubts, and your worries. Try to be direct and don’t presume that “they” should get it because you have been together for a long time.

5 – Work to develop a plan

Once the two of you are talking, then seek from them what they believe should be the next steps or what might be done to make things better for the two of you. Developing a simple plan of action, so that both can demonstrate their commitment, is a great way to provide a feeling of improvement for the partners.

6 – Make frequent discussion and problem identification a priority

While communication difficulties are often cited as a primary reason for couples’ difficulties, resolving problems and issues within the couple typically is the second cause. When an issue is identified, seek not just one solution but multiple solutions. Each partner should put forth several ways the problem can be resolved. Then, the two should either identify the best solution or alter one of the solutions to fit.

Anger is a unique human emotion. As you probably have observed, a dog or a cat can be angry and fight. Then, when the fight situation ends, the dog or cat seems as if nothing had happened. They can be petted, stroked and act as if the day had been totally happy.

Humans, on the other hand, can keep fights going for minutes, hours and even years. How many friends do you know that are still upset or angry over some act that happened eons ago? You probably are acquainted with quite a few.

So, how do we maintain our anger? Simple, we recall the past scene and then get ourselves angry again and again over some past issue.

Anger is an enemy to good health, resolution of problems and having a happy and rewarding life. Chronic anger has been tied to heart attacks, strokes and other health problems. Obviously, if you wish to live a long and healthy life, you want to reduce the periods when you become angry.

Several steps can assist you to do this.

1 – Meditate

Meditation is very effective for reducing and stopping anger

2 – Suppress negative thoughts.

Just don’t allow yourself to think those negative thoughts.

3 – Force yourself to think positive thoughts.

Focus on the good qualities of the person you love; focus on the positive things in your life.

4 – Breathing and yawning.

Using Heart Math breathing and yawning are great. Do 10 breaths and 10 yawns.

5 – Remember to do something when you are angry.

Instead of just reviewing all the negative issues, get busy with almost anything that absorbs you.

6 – Exercise

It is very difficult or nearly impossible to do aerobic exercise and be angry. Get running!

7 – Do a demanding mental exercise.

Anger is maintained by our repeating negative words and images in our minds. Instead, focus yourself on some demanding task. Don’t stop until you drop (the angry thoughts).

8 – Walk away.

Our anger can be maintained by being near the individual or situation. Instead, take a walk and notice the day (or night) rather than your thoughts.

9 – Count your blessings.

Thinking of the good things in our lives helps us calm down and relax.

10 – Take a pause for the cause.

There is approximately ¼ second between an idea entering our brain and our reaction to the idea. Use this ¼ second to calm yourself and think of how ineffective your anger will be in truly attaining the goals you are working on.

Yesterday, I was reading an article in Newsweek (February 8, 2010) by Irwin Kirsch, Ph. D., which indicated that placebos (sugar pills) are about as effective as anti-depressants. What, you mean you’ve been taking this pill for ever and now you find out it didn’t work!

Yep, that’s right.

My daughter was positive that her medications were effective for her. Now, she will be wondering.

The real issue, though, is that our expectations about life affect our moods and even depressions and anxieties.

This is a powerful idea. It’s not that what we think becomes reality. Rather, if we think about something too much we become depressed and anxious. If we ruminate (love that word), then our emotions are put into turmoil and we find ourselves emotional wrecks.

If medications don’t work (and the research points to this), the next question is what can you do to improve your mood, or reduce your depression or break the anxiety cycle?

To attain this type of change in your life, then you will have to become more active in ensuring that your emotions are better controlled. How, then, can you do that.

A hint of this solution comes from Barbara Fredrickson’s book, Positivity. Dr. Fredrickson has done extensive research on how positivity affects our moods and our ability to live life happily. She has documented that, if your positive emotions outweigh your negative ones by a ratio of 3 to 1, then you tend to have a happier life.

The one major step to a happier life then is to increase your experiences of positivity.

But, you say, how can I avoid the negative experiences in my life? It’s not that you can avoid bad or difficult times. Everyone has them, even individuals who are famous or have great net worth.

Instead, you and I have to work to resist negative urges and ruminations about negative experiences. Rather than revisiting the negatives in your life, go forward and become aware of the present, and the good things around you. Become mindful and also resist thoughts that make you feel less than happy. Avoid gossip, learn to cope well with negative people, and you might even skip the evening news which is often filled with stories about the unfortunate people in life.

Concurrently, we need to build ourselves up by

• focusing on achieving goals that are meaningful to ourselves,
• appreciating life with its ups and downs,
• involving ourselves in spiritual or meditative practices,
• making sure that your appreciate every moment possible,
• doing exercise,
• being involved with our families,
• being kind to others, and
• being passionate about life.

As we move through life, there are times when we look around and think that everyone has received more gifts and opportunities than we have. We see a fancy car going by and think, “What does he/she have that I do not?” Or, we hear about someone’s great inheritance and wonder why they got all the money and you (or me) got very little.

Interestingly, if we look around, we can note that opportunity abounds but that we are often afraid to take the chance. Seeking our unique self means that we have to do more than shop at some very expensive clothing stores or buy the fanciest car. Instead, we need to force ourselves to move forward on actions that fulfill our values and make us feel like we are living to our fullest.

These four steps can assist you in achieving your goal.

1 – Clarify what you stand for

It’s very easy think we are living life on our terms until something major happens. As one of my clients, who has experienced the worst kind of cancer, said, “All those things I complained about before (the cancer) are not important.” As this tale points out, we need to think carefully about what we value. Once we have identified those important things, then it is much easier to move forward to realize our goals.

2 – Enjoy the ride

Too often, we yearn for happiness and dislike the bad times. Life, however, is both. Enjoy the good and the bad. The bad times are particularly good because the bad experiences get us to truly think through what we want. Then, as we drive to work, home or school, we look around and enjoy what we see, even it is miles and miles of cars.

3 – Take stock of yourself

One of the hardest points in life is learning what skills you have. A good friend will work to inform you of your strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, make yourself do things you don’t like to do. I did that early in my career and found that public speaking, which I had avoided like the plague, was a true strength for me. Go to school and strengthen yourself. Then, put these skills to work to achieve what you value.

4 – Work for mastery

It is too easy to watch TV or movie stars be successful on the screen. In real life, mastery demands time and effort. Don’t begrudge the effort. Instead, work to become masterful and life will become easier all around.

Success has many definitions. For example, success is a musical, a dance-pop song, an album by the Weather Girls, and a game developer in Japan. However, most of us may view success as an event that has achieved its goals, as the fund raiser was a success, or financial prosperity. But Wiktionary defines success more broadly and perhaps accurately when the word is defined as the achievement of one’s aim or goal.

While financial outcomes are often implied when we think of success, how can we ignore the individuals who define success as making the world a “greener” place, a more peaceful place, or a more loving place? Likewise, if your children grew up, received education, got jobs and had good lives, wouldn’t you feel that you had been a successful parent?

So, being successful needs to be seen in a broader context rather than pure economic achievement.

Several rules can help you achieve success in your life.

1 – You define your success

For me, losing the weight that has been hanging around (literally) me for the past 10 years would be success. How about you? Review your life and note all the successes you have had, and the ones you will achieve.

2 – Being successful is a feeling

In so many words, success is a feeling. A good tennis match (where you had a great contest) can be viewed as success, particularly if you are older than 35. Hiking to the top of a mountain and watching the sunrise can bring feelings of success. Watching a child graduate, marry or have your grandchild can generate feelings of success. However, as with all feelings, feelings are temporary and short lived.

3 – What price success?

Often, when we are seeking to be successful, we don’t completely comprehend the price we may be paying. Often, we will put our “success” ahead of family, friends, enjoyment and living life. So, in that case, the price is almost too high. Instead, recognize that there are many areas in which to succeed and try to be highly successful in all of them.

4 – Life is a process not an event

In a sense, I was very successful at various points of my life. As I went on, I continued to change my goals or definitions of success. But, there is almost nothing more upsetting than seeing someone in their golden years that had success early on but not later. Instead, work to have a successful life rather than achieving having one successful point or period of life.