In the previous blog, I was writing about discovering why we behave the ways that we do. In this previous blog, I pointed out that one of the primary causes of our behaviors is our emotions, which are controlled to a large extent, by what we think about, which in turn affects our self-confidence.

In that blog, the first step to getting to understand why we do what we do was watching what we think about. Now, for the second step, once you are aware of what you are thinking about, the question becomes, “What do I do with these thoughts or feelings?”

When we become aware of our thoughts or feelings, the next important step is to classify or sort them. Sure you may be angry, but angry over what? If you take note of your feelings (like on a piece of paper), then, in a short time, you will realize that you really are having thoughts on very specific areas or concerns.

If you find yourself mad at your spouse, for example, you might realize that you are upset over how he handled the discipline of your child. Presuming that he did not do anything illegal, you may soon realize that you object to his voice tone when he does the disciplining. So, you really aren’t upset over his discipline but how he is talking to the child(ren).

With this knowledge in hand, you are now able to better control yourself. For example, you could talk to your spouse about changing voice tone, letting you handle the discipline when the spouse is that upset or assigning discipline days for each parent. In this way, you have developed a working solution, learned more about yourself and come up with a way to handle your emotions in the future.

For many people, one of the issues that continues to surface is why they do what they do. Well, almost everyone knows why they go to work but they may not know why they act this way or that with a spouse, a child or a co-worker. At those times, we could find ourselves yelling or fighting over “little” problems or deciding to take on debt due to a sale at Macy’s or Nordie’s.

The moods we have are almost always caused by our ability to remember past history. For example, if a dog almost gets run over, in a short while (barring any serious injuries), the dog is willing to play. For us, if we almost get run over, we could be ruminating about it, even for years. For example, some of my clients blame their bad mood and lack of self-confidence on what happened to them years ago.

Well there is no doubt that a bad childhood or a terrible experience can affect us. But, in reality, the issue is that something bad is happening NOW and it reminds of our past. Then we begin thinking about the past, which puts us into an even worse mood.

So, why we do things now is often a function of what we have been thinking or feeling about recently.

Many of my clients come home and the interactionwith their spouse or children is terrible. Why? Because they have been thinking of their spouse’s weaknesses on the way home and, voila, they are in a bad mood when they get home. Guess what happens next? A fight or use of alcohol or drugs to make things right? You got it.

Naturally, you are asking, “If what I think puts me in a bad mood, how can I control my thoughts?” There are several steps that must be undertaken to get control of your thoughts; and, believe me, these steps are difficult but doable. In fact, my wife, who has an anxiety disorder, can stop thoughts of whatever is scaring her and begin thinking of another topic. Her secret – practice!

The first step that we are going to address today is being aware of what you are thinking. That sounds easy but it can be difficult if you are not used to watching your thoughts. For me, when I hear a certain internal phrase (What am I going to do now?), then I know I have been worrying.

So, we must become aware of characteristic thoughts, those we have when we are doing things that don’t demand lots of attention. Examples of these times are driving the car, ironing clothes, riding our bikes, getting ready to go to sleep. Then, while carrying them out, we begin to slip into our common thought patterns or themes.

If we watch closely, we will begin to become aware of our thoughts.

If you wish to learn more, contact Dan Watson at dwatson425@yahoo.com or follow me at twitter at danwatsonphd.

Every day, we face challenges that rattle our self-esteem and our confidence. The difficulty most likely doesn’t occur as we are bounced about by life. Often, the damage happens on the drive home. Then, in the comfort of our car, a subway train or even walking, we begin to ruminate about things.

These ruminations (oh I love that word) are very bad for our sense of self. In such thoughts, we often begin tirades and commentaries about others at work, our spouses, our children and fate in general.

The issue is that our negative thoughts actually tear us down internally and make our self-esteem sag like a wet rag on a clothesline. Moreover, when we step into our humble abodes, we may find ourselves lashing out against those we care about – spouse, children, family and close friends.

To build our self-esteem, we must begin mastering these thoughts. There are several steps that we must follow to do this.

First, we must become aware of these types of thoughts. For me, if I hear the internal words, “What am I going to do now?,” I know that I have been having anxious or upsetting thoughts.

Second, we must begin to ask ourselves, “Why am I upset?” Now, you have to be patient. Often, I am not really aware that I have been worrying and I have to hang around until my unconscious mind (you know the one that drives the car automatically or walks you into work without thinking) gets around to answering your question.

Third, once we have recognized why we may be worrying or anxious or fearful, then we can begin the process of making ourselves stronger. This step is simple in that you have to develop a small plan to remediate the problem. This plan is usually only five or six steps long, and has its focus on fixing whatever has been bothering you.

Fourth, begin implementing your plan. The first step, if you don’t know where to begin, is getting information about the issue. Read, ask others, consult librarians, learned friends, colleagues, teachers, ministers or the internet but GET SOME INFO.

Fifth, slowly work your way through your plan.

Sixth, every time you find yourself upset or fearful, don’t think about the negatives. Think about how your are implementing your plan.

Recently, one of my clients had experienced a very scary situation. Even though she had been gone through this problem before, this time her self-confidence dropped like a rock. What had happened is that her boss had begun bullying her at work.

The repeated comments, gestures and demeaning behavior had a very negative toll. She found herself having great difficulty getting up, getting ready and leaving. At work, she was a basket case. Her behavior had almost reached the level of a post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Concomitantly, her self-esteem had withered to the level of an unwatered flower in our very hot desert.

While she was off work, her old boss was changed. But, now she found she could not drive up the street to the office building, could not enter the work environment and shrunk from talking to fellow employees. What to do?

Remember exposure therapy – where we force ourselves to experience the very scary situation by going near it? Well to restore her self-confidence, she first had to drive on the street where the office was. And for her, that was a very difficult task.

Next, she had to expand the distance she drove on that particular street. Then, she had to drive in and around the office. Then, she had to stop & walk out of her car (done at night to make it easier). Then, she had to quickly enter and leave her office (done in the early morning to avoid contact with others). Finally, after a few weeks, self-confidence much more strongly developed, she was again able to enter and deal with returning to work.

Exposure is a wonderful and, if done with baby steps, can lead to an extensive improvements in self-confidence and self-esteem.

In a sense, everything we do is a function of how confident we are in ourselves.  Think about it, if you just drive to the store, I’ll guarantee on your way there you pass the houses of two or three people who are afraid to go out and drive.  Likewise, if you go into a major metropolitan area, you will have passed the houses of many people who not only do have the self-confidence to drive but may lack the confidence to leave their house or to be seen by others.

 Another example of the power of self-esteem is the fact that for a number of years the greatest fear was not dying; no, it was speaking in front of others.  Now, it is clear that no one is going to kill you if you make a mistake while speaking to a group but people felt that way.

The key element in developing your self-confidence and esteem is to expose yourself to the things you fear the most.  Psychologists call this exposure therapy and getting clients to expose themselves to scary situations and environments is the greatest challenge in doing psychotherapy.  People would rather watch TV, play video games or talk to friends than do things that are “hard” for them.

A simple way to begin handling those things you fear is “baby steps” as Bob said in the movie, “What about Bob?”

This means that to speak in front of groups, begin by speaking to very small groups, like one or two.  Then slowly increase the group size or the length of the speech.  And, voila, there you are, presenting in front of 1000s.  That is, in fact, what I did to bring myself from being “deathly” afraid of public speaking to being able to speak to over 50000 people in one year.

The question, posed in the past post, was why we have such difficulties living in the present and improving our self-concept  rather than worrying about the future or fretting about the past.

The issue is related to our genetic makeup. What, genes play some role in me?

Yup, its true. In primitive environments, those genes that cause you to focus on the future or ruminate about the past were present to assist you to avoid starvation or dying of thirst. Though these genes are present and cause us such difficulties, these genes are very important to our survival.

The difficulty is relying too much on our emotions to guide our thoughts. If you have ever had a day dream (and who hasn’t), you have noticed that the thoughts leap from one topic to another. Perhaps, you may have thought, what is guiding this stream of ideas?

The answer is – your emotions.

Likewise, if you have ever had a verbal fight with someone else, you may have wondered why did I say those ugly things to someone I love.

The answer is – your emotions.

If you have ever bought a car and the next day you realized that you have five more years of payments, why – your emotions.

To cope with such ideas and thoughts we must rely more heavily on the logical portion of our minds rather than the emotional. T0 do this, you first have to become aware of what you are thinking! Sounds easy, doesnt’ it?

The difficulty arises in the fact that we have trained our thinking patterns over the years. Now, we must begin to untrain and learn new strategies to cope with these thoughts.

Everyday, as we wake up, we face a tremendous challenge to our self-esteem. Is the challenge going to work or parenting our kids? Making enough money or going to college? None of these or any items similar to them.

Instead, our challenge is expand our self-confidence and enjoy life. But, you may say, how can I enjoy life when I have (select one: too many bills to pay, my children are screaming and yelling, my boss is an old (young, decrepit, biased) grouch, I don’t have enough money, etc., etc., etc.

Every time I hear someone say these words, I quickly think of the millions of people, living in third world countries, who would readily jump into your or my life. They know that we are living like kings and queens, and just don’t appreciate what we have. Remember, what you are earning places you in the 99^th percentile of all humans in the world. That right, no matter your income level, you are in the top one percent of all six or seven billion others.

Having said that, I am very well aware of how we can feel overwhelmed, stressed, pressed and unhappy we can be.

Then, if we are in the top one percent, why aren’t we happy?

Simple, we are spending too much time thinking of what if’s, could of’s, should of’s and similar thoughts.

Why can your dog almost get run over and, two or three minutes later be as happy as a clam (particularly if you have a doggy treat or a ball to throw). Simple again – dogs just don’t think about things as much as we do.

The real problem is that the things we think about generally just don’t happen. Studies have shown that about 98% of the stuff we worry/think about just doesn’t occur. The result is that we have used up a tremendous amount of energy (worry does take energy, believe me) thinking about our fantasies of the future.

In addressing the issue of self-esteem, I mentioned at an earlier date that the authors of the book, Nudge, had pointed out that humans are very reluctant to change. Well this morning in the Wall Street Journal that point was made again.

Jason Zweig, who writes under the heading of The Intelligent Investor, pointed out that, even with the worst the market conditions in decades (a 55% negative change between October 2007 and March 2009), many of the owners of 401(k)s bought, held and sat stock-still. He provided data that indicated that many of these people barely budged in the face of an onslaught of bad news. For example, for Vangard Group, 17% of its participants had been 100% in stocks in 2007; by year end 2008, 16% were still there!

The real issue is about our taking action to change ourselves and our self-confidence.

You have probably either seen a late night commercial that appealed to you or came across either an ad that really drew you in. Maybe you went so far as to even buy the materials, the seminar or the ebook. Parallel to the above information, data from such marketers indicates that only about 20% of the buyers ever do something with the materials. IN OTHER WORDS, the people just threw their money away because they liked the idea and lacked the confidence to begin the change.

While this can bring in a ton of money for the marketers (the ones who did act on their ideas), the rest of us are very reluctant to change or to carry out the steps that lead to change.

To have strong self-esteem, what can you and I do? The first step you must take is to allocate time on a daily basis to implement the steps. The second step would be to begin with simple or short steps. I work with people who are very fearful of leaving their home or going in a certain store. To overcome such a fear, one must begin by doing little steps. Like, barely walk in the store and leave. Then, return and walk in further; then, return and go in further. If you take such actions, you will slowly but surely overcome any fears.

For many years, as I worked on student’s self-esteem, I would come across young adults who, for some unknown reason, would just stop turning in homework.  Their behavior puzzled me because of the fact that the student often did well in school and had good grades in the past.

While this experience may not appear to pertain to you, I recently came across an older adult who, upon completing her work tasks, also did not turn them in.  Perhaps you have done a similar behavior when you have seen someone you don’t like, and you either turn away or try to ignore them as you pass.

All three of these examples clearly demonstrate individuals who have very strong self doubts.  In the case of the student, who doesn’t turn in their homework, they often begin to think, as they do their homework something like, “This is too hard.  I can’t do it.  Why did the teacher make it so hard?”  And, with thought pattern going, they suddenly start watching TV, doing a computer game or go play.

These thoughts can be so powerful that one of my student clients scored perfectly on the Pre SAT (the pre test to get into college) for reading and written language, but got an F in an English class.  Why? Again simple.  He just didn’t do the homework or the assignments, despite outstanding academic skills, due to his doubts about his abilities.

Likewise, when you avoid looking at someone you are upset at, it is often your doubts at work.  Or, when you see a manager being overly aggressive or hostile at work, it is often caused by their doubts about their own capabilities.

Self doubts , though,are so very common that many people take them as normal.  How often have you seen someone complement another person, and the person respond with, “Well I’m not that good looking.” Or “It was just luck.”  Certainly some of the responses are individuals being modest but most of the time the individual just doesn’t believe that she is bright enough, good looking enough, or that she is very capable.

Where do these self doubts come from?  Many people point their finger to their parents saying if my mom or dad just didn’t criticize me, yell at me, or would have treated me better, then I wouldn’t feel this way.  Well, there is some truth in that.

However, in working with young children, at preschool level, one can see the self doubts appearing in terms of extremely shy behavior (it is normal for children to feel shy), or the inability to stay in a group, or hitting or bullying others.

Then, if these attitudes are already present, and the parents bear some of the blame, where did these fears and doubts come from? Heredity? Correct.  We estimate that between 60-80% of our behavior is inherited.  So, you can blame mom or dad, but not about how they raised you.  Instead, they gave you the genes that made you have these doubts.

The challenge is for us to overcome these genetic dispositions.  The answer to that question will be coming in a future article.

What is Stress? Well, I think everyone has an opinion of what stress is. Since this is blog aimed at talking about stress reduction, and reducing anxiety and depression, it seems appropriate that we take a moment to talk about how we define stress.

While stress can talk about how much stress is placed on a bridge by the passing of cars or trucks, or the point where a material begins to deform, Wikipedia defines stress as “a biological term which refers to the consequences of the failure of a human or animal to respond appropriately to emotional or physical threats to the organism, whether actual or imagined (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stress.”

So stress actually is a term describing what happens to our bodies when we do not adapt to stressful situations. Notice too that the term includes both physical and emotional threats. While there are probably not too many physical threats in our daily environment, when clients enter my office, they are usually describing emotional pressures they feel from home, work or family.

The effect on our bodies from physical or emotional stressors is probably about the same. One of the differences, though, is that physical threats are real while emotional threats are imagined.

Sure, your boss could threaten your job (emotional stressor) but, even though it may seem impossible, you really can find different work, even in a terrible economy. Remember, in the big depression, 75% of the people were working; and, at present, only about four percent of well educated or well trained trades people are out of work. So, you often have options which you are overlooking.

The real question is why don’t more people move out of stressful situation and move to working or living arrangements that are better?

The answer appears to be a part of being human. In Nudge, the authors (Thaler and Sunstein) point out that all people, even well educated ones, don’t like to change, even if it would mean a better or longer life. That’s clearly seen in the increasing rates of obesity in the US, Europe, Russia, Mexico, China and India. Despite being told that being fat will have all sorts of negative effects, people keep on eating too much because not eating so much might lead them to …using a smaller plate or sharing a meal! Tough stuff.

However, this all boils down to how we see ourselves and how we handle the pressures of stress. Underlying this is our view of ourselves and what we have to do to change it.