Anxiety is the most common mood disorder. About 15% of all adults have some anxiety related difficulty. At the extreme, it is experienced frequently as high level anger or depression. The real issue is not whether you are angry, depressed or just anxious. The issue is what can you do about it to live a happier life.

There are seven steps that you can take to reduce your anxieties and depressions.

1 – Don’t avoid

Anxieties make people fearful and then they avoid going out of the house, others, driving, going to stores, going to visit friends, calling others, opening mail and doing normal adult chores. The answer is to make yourself, systematically, stop your avoidance strategies both of situations and of thoughts.

2 – Trusting your thoughts too much

One of the major problems of humans is that we are very good picturing at “what if” scenarios. This causes us to become worried about an IMAGINARY world of the future or of the past. Instead, stop thinking (so much) and start living (in the present). Don’t trust your feelings. They are just feelings.

3 – Live in the present

We spend just too much time worrying about the future and revisiting the past. The past can’t be changed as you already know. Furthermore, studies have shown that 98% of our worries never come to pass. In other words, you are becoming upset, anxious and depressed over things that really are unchangeable or unknowable. Either you are God, who knows the unknowable and can change the unchangeable, or you need to work to live in the present moment.

4 – You are not your thoughts

Too often we get confused that what we think about is “us.” However, if you bump your knee, you quickly learn that the real world is real, and your thoughts are not you. Work instead to get a perspective on yourself, your life and your world. Nothing is as bad as it seems to you.

5 – Work toward what you value

Often, particularly in materialistic societies, we find ourselves working for “things.” Instead, determine what is important to you and work to have more of that. Frequently, we value time with our families but, in reality, we spend that time working. I recognize that I make the same error but I strive to live my values daily. Writing this blog is one example of doing what I value.

6 – Get going

The old Nike commercial “Just Do It” comes to mind. Instead of spending our times thinking, watching TV, or playing computer games, commit yourself to a course of action and move forward on it.

7 – Learn to be flexible

Life has or will put challenges in front of you. These are challenges can be overcome but you must learn to use all your resources. Being flexible allows you to mold yourself to life’s demands rather than wallow in your feelings.

Most adults across the world of become biophobic. What’s that? This is the word that indicates we are afraid of living or being alive. Fear has become pervasive in our society.

Mothers are afraid to let their children out of the house. We are afraid we will be shot on the freeway by a road raging crazy person. We are afraid of the next earthquake, hurricane or tornado. We worry that someone is going to abduct our children and we will see their names on a freeway “Amber Alert.”

The list of our fears goes on and on: terrorism, cancer, crime, food, tainted water, HINI, the bird flu, and the beat goes on.

HL Mencken once wrote that “the whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.” This comment is alive and well, given that he said this in 1920.

So, why is this the best time to be alive?

1 – We are living longer than ever before.

All of our parents, grandparents and great grandparents lived in a world where the average age was much shorter. Today, our greatest challenge is to provide assistance to the elderly!

2 – Crime is down.

The current crime rates in the US are the lowest they have been since the middle of the 1950s. It is safer now to let your child walk around your neighborhood than ever before.

3 – It is safe to travel.

If you actually calculate, the chance of being seriously injured on commercial carriers is very close to zero, around 1 chance in 1000.

4 – You are not likely to get cancer or a serious disease until you are old.

Yes, people get cancer but usually not until they are old (above 60 or 70 years of age). Certainly, not one wants to get cancer but your chances are very, very low until you are elderly. For example, you chance of getting breast cancer is 1 in 14 at age 70 (7 percent) while at age 40 it is 1 in 271 (0.4 percent).

In other words, you are likely to live a life defined not by the seriously bad things that have happened to you. Rather, your life will be affected primarily by the good or normal things that occur with everyone.

So, why is everyone so worried and concerned? This is primarily due to the fact that fear sells.

Almost every parent who has a child in school wants that child to do very well. In today’s world, not having a college diploma (or being in a good trade like plumbing, car repair or electrician) can reduce your child’s future income by approximately 70%. That’s right. Individuals with a college education currently make about 70% more than non-college graduates.

Then, what can you do to assist your child to have good academics so that can go to college or be accepted into one of the better trades?

1 – Start young

It seems that we were reading to our children while they were still in the hospital at birth. Do likewise. Make reading a fun experience and assist you child to have access to as many books as possible.

2 – Make them read

Your child should be reading every day. Presently, American children are spending countless hours playing computer games. Yes, this is great for fine motor coordination but terrible for academics. What are they going to make their future income doing – playing computer games or working in a world of words?

4 – Get all the homework done

Make sure that your child’s homework is done and in every day. One of my children has a learning disability. However, the teachers never knew because all of her homework came in every day and we prepared for every test. Homework is just not the work sent home but, as I implied, preparation for every test.

5 – Make dad the head homework guru

When dad’s are involved with homework, children do consistently better in school.

6 – There is always homework

Never accept a statement by a child or young adult that “I don’t have any homework,” or “I did it at school.” If your child is not in special education, if he/she doesn’t’ have daily homework, then change to more demanding schools.

7 – The game is not over till it’s over

Somehow, when kids become 12 or 13, parents seem to reduce interest and accept what the child is telling them. Stay involved until they graduate. Your awareness and focus on the importance of education can only help them to strive better.

If you maintain your focus on academics, help them to get their homework done, and make sure that your actions match your words, you will achieve your goal. I’m very proud to say that all of my children are college graduates (especially the one with the learning problems. She could never have worked with her hands).

Anger is a funny emotion. In one sense, it can protect us when we are threatened or need to defend ourselves. In the other sense, it represents periods of rage and highly noxious behaviors. When anger is expressed appropriately, it allows you to demonstrate you outrage over what is happening; it is over in a very short time (moments or minutes at most), and draws attention to an on-going problem.

Since anger is a normal response to stress, hunger, tiredness, how can you tell if you have an anger problem? The answer is found in what occurs when you do get angry. Do people tell you are angry frequently? Do you blame others when you are upset? People are telling you to lighten up, relax or take a chill pill? You experience road rage or great irritation while you drive? You use physical force or very sarcastic statements to make others “obey.” You have to “win” arguments or you go on two to three day (or longer ) “no talks” following such conflicts.

All of these and more are indicators of problems with anger.

There are several simple steps that can help you reduce your anger and improve your relationships with others. While these steps are simple, implementing them will demand effort and persistence on your part. Like losing weight, changing angry habits will require extended effort over time

1 – Pause for the cause

We are wired in such a way that there is about ¼ second between an idea entering our minds and our acting on that thought. You may not notice this small gap between idea and action, but it is there. You must work first to notice the gap, then to interject self-commands like, “Stop!” “Don’t do this!” and “Who is going to be hurt?” You are most often aware that, though you can get very angry with someone, you most likely do very different things if that someone is a police officer, your boss, or someone you love. Differences in responses to situations like this reflect that you do have control over your anger.

2 – Walk away

Once you have taken the pause for your cause, walk away. These are very easy words to write but much harder to put into practice. The secret to perfecting this skill is to practice it when an argument is a small one or the argument is over something you really don’t care a lot about. By learning to walk away when you are not really angry, then you can transfer the skill to situations where you find yourself much more involved.

3 – Make peace inside

When individuals are angry for long periods (more than a few moments or minutes), their anger is being maintained by their saying things inside. In younger children, they will say things like, “This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. This makes me very mad.”

This type of internal dialogue or using repeated upsetting images internally is what allows the person to be angry for an extended period. Instead of doing this, strive to either repeat a phrase over and over (like, I really care for him/her. I really want the best for the family) or remember the good things of the past that have the possibility of putting a smile on your face.

Open or good communication typically ranks as number one or number two in terms of couple satisfaction. The rule appears to be that the better the communication, the better the relationship.

Likewise, when couples have problems, communication is ranked as one of the critical issues affecting how each of the individuals feels.

Yet, if the relationship becomes rocky, there are several things that you can do to improve the dialogue with each other.

1 – Keep your big mouth shut

No, this does not mean stop interacting. It does mean that, when there is a conflict, do not use profanities with each other; do not bring up issues from long ago (over one month); do not disparage relatives or other family members, and do not personally attack one another. A tall order, I know, but this is essential to repair the relationship.

2 – Set time limits

When things are going well, set time limits on how long you will argue. Longer arguments often just lead to hurt feelings and greater resentment. Instead, agree that you will allow a conflict to go only so long before you stop. This step obviously is intended to get you talking and interacting in a positive way as quickly as possible.

3 – Remember honey catches more bees than vinegar

Work to think of the positive qualities of your partner. When you recognize them, tell him/her about what you appreciate and why. Extensive research indicates that for every negative act, there needs to be at least three positive actions to maintain a relationship. Comments, touches, and thoughtful acts can all work to reduce the negativity in the relationship.

4 – Keep your cool

If you are anxious or stressed, you are more likely to do or say the wrong thing with your partner. Learn to relax yourself and work to calm the relationship down by keeping your cool. If you can reduce the number of conflicts, this will help. But, if in a conflict, you work to calm your partner, they will appreciate you more.

5 – Respect differences

A wise person once said, “There are more differences between men and women, than between any cultures.” I recognize this as a reason for many fights. He is doing things like a male; she is doing this like a female. Instead, appreciate and respect the differences. By doing this, you present yourself as caring and as wanting the relationship to work.

Intimate relationships are inherently difficult to maintain due to the fact that there are almost always differences between the two. He likes to sleep late, she likes to get up early. She is a vegetarian, he is a meat eater. He is more of a disciplinarian with the children, she is more easy-going. She likes to get problems resolved rapidly, he cannot handle the tension in conflict.

Many relationships founder due to such discrepancies and our limited ability to find common ground.

Frequently though, we question whether this relationship is worth saving. We question ourselves, talk to friends and listen to family. Despite this, we find ourselves feeling unsure of what we should do. Do we think of the 50 ways to leave our lover, or look forward to the happy home on the top of the hill with the pretty white fence around it?

There are five clues which can help us assess whether this relationship is worth our time and effort.

1 – How does the relationship make you feel?

A good relationship should impart feelings of vitality, energy, joy and expanded happiness. Certainly these feelings will not be present every day. The question is if the overall relationship is helping you feel stronger in life and basically is giving you resources to handle life.

2 – Does the relationship make you feel stronger?

One of the critical components that we need to handle the pressures of life is resilience. This topic has been researched extensively and resilient individuals overcome the negatives of life more rapidly and with less physical damage (less impact on the immune system). The basic change should be that you are more hopeful and respond easily to the little bumps of life.

3 – Do you know you?

When we live in close, intimate relationships, we get extended feedback from our partner. This feedback will either assist you to understand you, or confound and confuse you. For example, often in violent domestic relationships, one partner says things like, “No one would every marry you!” or, “How could you replace me. No one will every care for you.”

In positive relationships, when you have self doubts, your partner will say things to strengthen you or get you through this bad time. A good example of this is in overweight females, whose partner says, “I don’t care if you are overweight, I love you anyway.” The partner certainly understands that she needs to lose weight, but there is no threat and the feedback is honest and supportive.

4 – Will you love me tomorrow?

Everyone of us has concerns if our relationship will last. We question ourselves if the other person may leave or find someone else. In good relationships, you feel secure and you have greater confidence in yourself.

5 – How large is your circle of friends and family.

In positive relationships, the individuals want to be with each other. My wife and I (we have been married forever) often like doing things with each other – like going to the store, going to book stores, visiting our children, going on trips, etc. In addition, we encourage interactions not only with each other, but with other individuals too. My wife has an extended group of friends and meets with them at regular intervals. She has no problems if I do the same. In other words, we are dependent on each other, yet independent while being interdependent.

Now, you may say, how do I use these clues? Well, if you see that on four of these five questions everything is good, then your relationship is probably fine. If you are only good on three of five, well, you both probably need to work on improving things.

Also, you should not have any great or grand collapses. For example, alcoholics can fall off the wagon, and the collapse can be gigantic. Likewise, most of us have conflicts with our partners. These conflicts should not reach the point of physical attacks or extended fight times. In such situations, you need to carefully consider what you are about.

One way of viewing our lives is that of a life of suffering. Many of us have heard others refer to our present state as, “Hell on earth.” Yet, many people who have less than you do, have greater problems than you do (economic, familial, social, physical), actually enjoy their lives and find their lives fulfilling.

To make this point, one of my clients was seriously injured at work. When I came across her at a local Costco, she reported that she felt pretty good despite continuing pain, less income, a reduced social life and various physical limitations. In other words, she was fairly fulfilled with her life at that moment.

What might lead to such differences? The answer can be your willingness to let go of “your life” and accept how yourself.

Five actions on your part can assist you in achieving your goal of a “fuller,” “more joyful,” and “awesome” life.

1 – Try to be unattached to “things”

If we have struggled to have material things or social relationships, we can be very unwilling to give them up. Somewhat like an individual in a physically violent relationship, where leaving is most frequently the best option, we remain attached to our life style, our dreams (the perfect family for instance) and our view of how life should be. Instead, recognize that these “things” are, at best, temporary and will change soon if not tomorrow.

2 – Don’t listen to your feelings or “mind”

Too often, I have heard individuals say that they can’t be in a loving relationship unless there is a certain “chemistry.” However, divorce was an unknown thing when marriages were arranged. The couple loved, lived, had children and went on with life. This example points out that our emotions can lead us in the wrong direction, remembering that there is a 50% divorce rate in the United States. Similarly, we have to move away from trusting our emotions to being more evidenced based in our decisions in life.

3 – Live your values

Clarify what you value and try to bring it into your life. If you love exercise, make sure you do some. If you love family, make sure you are around them. If you enjoy friendships, make sure you have plenty. If you enjoy dancing, dance. Perhaps you can’t dance three hours per day but you can do 15-20 minutes per day. Maybe you’d love to be at your mother’s house for 3 hours every day but maybe you can only be there once or twice every two weeks. Yes, there may be limitations to doing your values, but you can pursue and live them.

4 – Don’t try to avoid the pain

Too often, we spend our efforts trying to avoid painful thoughts, places and people. This avoidance limits our lives. Instead, a little at a time, expose yourself to these difficult people, places and thoughts so that you live life more fully.

5 – Live in the present

Stop trying to change the past (you can’t, didn’t you know). Stop trying to guess what the future holds (you can’t, don’t you know that).

Instead, work on enjoying the present moment, second or period of time. As I type, I can enjoy the fact that my fingers and mind are allowing me to type, which is enjoyable. Sitting, breathing, and noticing sounds and noises make time slow down and the wonder of life returns.

Live now, not tomorrow or in the future.

The four critical questions, suggested by Barbara Fredrickson in Positivity, which can make your life more positive are:

1 – What’s right about my current situation?

2 – Why am I so lucky to be here?

3 – What part of my current experience could be viewed as a gift, a treasure or a great opportunity?

4 – How does my current situation benefit me or someone close to me?

Each of these questions is critical because they lead us to see our current problems or challenges in a totally new light. For example, the airline recently lost our luggage. While I am sure that the baggage will show up, the loss led us to understand how baggage claims work, what should be asked of us as we check in to the airport, and how the system works to return our baggage.

Lost baggage is certainly an irritant but my wife and I wife are lucky in that we just came back from a wonderful week away from work and responsibilities. The lost baggage also reminds me that my best friend passed away not too long ago and I am still here.

The point of these statements is to show how the effects of an experience that could be very upsetting can be viewed in a more positive way. By thinking of these four questions, we have the opportunity to turn almost every difficult situation into one where we become more appreciative and even into an amusing experience.

The lost luggage can also be turned into a memory or a trigger that leads me back, not to the feelings of frustration in the airport; rather, I will be reminded of some of the wonderful experiences we had together during the week away. The thoughts of these days may even put a smile on my face and a spring in my steps.

The challenge for all of us is to take our negative experiences and turn them into ones that are more positive. By doing this, we can make our lives more meaningful for ourselves and significantly reduce the stressors we feel.

Having just read the book, Invictus about Nelson Mandela’s life, I find myself working to turn my daily irritants into the positive experience that he did during the 27 years he was incarcerated! He came out of jail with an idea of how he could turn South Africa from an apartheid state into one in which those of color had equal rights to the minority whites without significant bloodshed or civil war.

Certainly, if Nelson Mandela could take the challenges of so many years in jail and use them productively, we certainly can take our lives and make them much more positive.

There is probably no better predictor of personal success and strong self-esteem that one’s ability to communicate well. As Anne Lee Drayton, an expert on communications said, “Good communications skills … are…essential for the success of every individual.”

Though good communication appears to be vital to your success, at times, it seems a discipline that is very difficult to master. However, there are six skills that can bolster your conversation skills rapidly.

1 – Be interested in what the person is communicating.

To show interest, you must do several things at the same time. Leaning forward, making as much eye contact as possible, nodding or smiling when appropriate are all signs of interest. If you show your interest, then the other person will respond and enjoy the conversation more. I’ve seen the repeated over and over as my wife engaged in conversing with people she has just met. By showing great interest, almost all of them comment about how nice she is and how they enjoyed talking with her.

2 – Use the magic words.

The magic words are why, where, who, how and when. As you listen to a conversation, asking questions that use the magic words are frequently termed “open ended.” This means that the question can not be answered by a mere “yes” or “no.” Open ended questions allow the speaker to make his/her point clearer and for listeners to have a better understanding of what is being communicated. Questions also demonstrate that you are listening and are interested in learning more.

3 – Use their name.

Using a person’s name, in a greeting, in an interaction, or in a conversation generally strengthens bonds between people. It is also a good practice so you will remember the other person’s name at a later date.

4 – Will this conversation change the world?

Too often, when we are socially interacting with others, there is someone who has strong opinions. While their views may clash with yours, quickly realize that this conversation is not a debate. Instead, query how they arrived at that opinion or conclusion. The goal is to increase friendship among people, not to dominate the world. Nelson Mandela, as described in the recent book Invictus, was a master of this skill and is a good example for all of us.

5 – Don’t try to dominate the conversation.

One of the greatest skills is just learning to listen well. If you listen well, you can then keep the conversation focused on the other person, and they will think you are a great conversationalist.

6 – Move the conversation forward.

By listening carefully to the conversation, you can move it forward. You can add new points or issues that you have either knowledge or questions about. The goal is to make this a dialogue, a conversation between two people. To do this, search for areas of common agreement or common interest.

The seventh and unspoken key step is practice. These skills can assist you to increase your abilities but not unless you practice frequently and purposefully. A good place for great practice is Toastmasteers, a group organized to help people speak up and out, and very inexpensive.

Today, as in no time in the recent past, people feel pressure from three major areas of their life. These three areas are employment, financial pressures and health. With the economy in its current shape, everyone is feeling greater pressure than they did at earlier times.

The difficulty is that you really can’t change the economic picture, the demands from work, nor the overall outlook for the nation’s future.

What you can change, however, is the amount of pressure, or tension or stress that you feel.

Stress is truly not a function of the pressures from the world. Instead, it is due to our interpretation and perception of the world. For example, even though they live in the same economic “world,” employees feel much greater pressures than do the self-employed, even though self-employed individuals tend to work about 10-20 hours more each week.

There are several steps that you can take to assist you in coping or overcoming your feelings of stress.

1 – Take time to take time.

You must take care of yourself first. No, this doesn’t mean that you should become the primary focus of your life. Instead, it means that you need to make sure you do those things that energize you. These things could be time for hiking, time for yoga, time to socialize, time to be with relatives, time to just sit around and think. If you don’t build in time for yourself, then your internal battery will truly discharge and your body will pay the price.

2 – Time to relax

In addition to time for yourself, you need to build in time for relaxation, meditation or breathing exercises (Heart Math is good and simple) on a daily basis. Studies have repeatedly shown that individuals who do relaxation or meditation practices live longer and healthier. You can even do meditation while you walk or do daily chores.  Your body needs time to “wind” down and just be.  Remember, our ancestors only worked 20 hours per week.

3 – Work on enjoying life now

As you are well aware, life is not a dress rehearsal. As a result, bring your attention to those things that make your laugh or smile. Watching a child learning to walk, the beauty of the day or of a flower in Brooklyn, the natural differences in people are all reasons to smile and enjoy now. Smiling by itself makes the humor in life more apparent and brings greater enjoyment into our lives. So smile and enjoy now.

4 – Control what you say to yourself

“We have met the enemy and he is us,” according to Pogo, a cartoon character of the past. Often, our greatest enemy is our own self-talk. We can easily slip into being very critical of ourselves, which creates great stress in our lives. A good example of that are individuals who seemingly have it made but commit suicide. They had everything but nothing due to their own self-criticisms. Become aware of that internal voice and work to focus it away from self-criticism onto any other issue, idea or topic.

5 – Focus on what you have, not on what is missing in your life

Life is full of wonderful things, which we frequently don’t appreciate until they are gone. Health, vitality, friends, close relatives, the ability to choose where and what we will do, and being able to work can be lost in an instant. Begin to look around and notice the freedoms and pleasures you are experiencing now. Yes, raising a child can drive you seemingly crazy but, believe me, you’d rather be that age than be older. Yes, work is demanding but you’d rather be working than unsure of your income. Notice the many choices you have in life, and appreciate the options and the freedoms you do have.