Often we speak about getting ahead in life as if it were the Holy Grail, an object one could desire but could never have. Yet, getting ahead is a matter of assessment of where you are and where you want to be.

Every day, you and I pass convalescent hospitals. Inside are the patients who most likely would rather be where you are than where they are. In thinking this way, we can immediately see that, even as we sit today, we have many things which may reflect that we have already gotten ahead.

However, at other moments, we look around and recognize that we are dissatisfied by our present lives. At those times, we need to start the steps for achieving our desires. These four steps will assist your life more fulfilling.

1 – Recognize your part

Often, when we feel unfulfilled, we begin to point fingers at others. If I had different parents; if I had better teachers; if I had a boss who recognized my talents; then, my life would be fuller, happier and all would be roses.

The problem with this view is that we are where we are because we may not have been willing to  put in the effort needed to move past this point. For example, one of my clients wanted to get her Master’s degree but was scared to take the entry test. Another wanted to start a business but was unwilling to go to the Small Business Development Corporation, a free service that assist small businesses.

To move forward, you need to recognize that you will have to take on your fears, your doubts, the doubts of others and head toward your goal.

2 – Specify what you want

The clearer our goal and the more specific, the easier it is determine when and if we are moving toward it. Much as been written about goal setting and that can be found every where.

The one change that appears to be occurring is that we are beginning to realize that goals have to be both specific and general at the same time. For me, my specific goal was to develop and run a psychological practice. However, as that started, I had to adjust my goals so that I could generate enough money to survive, which meant I had to do other tasks to get there.  Now, I would like to change it to include involvement in research.

3 – Assess the outcomes

When we move forward into new territory, we need to evaluate how we will handle the possible negative outcomes of our actions. This implies that we need to estimate how long we will persist on taking a specific risk and to what level we will go. This means you need to anticipate the positive outcomes, the practical outcomes and the potential losses.

How can positive outcomes be negative? For example, a business owner usually spends between 50 and 60 hours per week at a successful business. Yet, the loss of time home could have a very negative effect. This example also reflects the how we also need to consider the practical outcomes (time, resources, efforts, freedom, etc.) when we make changes.

The potential losses need also to be explored.

4 – Worst case scenario

To take on risk, you need to anticipate what you will do in the worst case scenario. The current failure of so many mortgages illustrates a large number of individuals who did not ask this question. Instead, they presumed that realty prices could always go up and they would benefit. No, this only happens in the movies. Instead, you should plan your exit strategy as well as what you will do if you are successful.

Shyness is an experience that most of us have had in our lifetimes. For the average individual, they are typically shy during the time they are in elementary school and, with the onset of puberty, the shyness goes away.

For others, shyness is a lifetime sentence. In my practice, I have a few female clients who state that they are very shy. Their shyness makes it very difficult for them to date others and they face the frequently repeated problem of dating overly aggressive men. The reason for this is that the average guy recognizes a shy female and will not break into her space. More aggressive males see this as an opportunity awaiting.

By the way, the same problem exists for shy males.

Shyness is a type of social phobia. Phobias fears, and shyness, are very responsive to exposure therapy. What exactly is exposure therapy? It is merely systematically exposing yourself to situations that are discomforting.

To overcome your shyness, you will need to follow these simple procedures.

1 – Identify when you are shy

Shyness, like phobias, occurs in specific situations. For example, one of my clients can talk to females all day long as part of his work life. However, if he is thinking of dating them, he suddenly becomes quite shy and loses his self-confidence, even though he is a marketer and makes his income by being able to speak to people.

You need to identify then under which situations or occurrences your shyness is the most pronounced.

2 – Arrange them

Now that you have identified when you shy, now you have to develop a gradient. What is a gradient? It is breaking these situations down into several parts. In the first part you will risk only a small exposure to the situation. Then, as you become stronger, you expose yourself more extensively to the situation. In the last part, you are now able to handle certain situations without shyness.

3 – Generalize

Once you have mastered your emotions in one circumstance, now you have to seek other environments. There, you will be responsible to exposing yourself to either more demanding opportunities or to varied opportunities. By doing this, you generalize the effects of the exposure training and build your self-confidence so that you can handle most problems that may come your way.

Life is filled with challenges. If it isn’t some pipe exploding in a bathroom, flooding everything, then it’s the car needed repairs or something equally as irritating.

When things seem to be going badly, we have a tendency to believe we can predict the future, and it is terrible! In other words, in such times, we tend to amplify our fears and make ourselves excessively emotional.

To combat these ideas and worries, we move away from our emotional thinking and into more concrete and objective reasoning. One rationale for doing so is that by thinking objectively we reduce our emotional responsiveness and move toward making good decisions.

Three Steps that Can Help

1 – Calm yourself

We are at our highest point emotionally when we feel we must act. Most of life’s decision do not need to be made right now. Instead, practice various ways of calming yourself so that you are prepared for difficult times. Heart Math is an excellent resource for you to evaluate for this purpose.

2 – Generate alternatives

Humans are the most creative of creatures. All you have to notice is how effective criminal types are for figuring out to beat the system for you to realize how creative we are. So, use your creativity to begin coming up with alternatives.

To help Life is filled with challenges. If it isn’t some pipe exploding in a bathroom, flooding everything, then it’s the car needed repairs or something equally as irritating.

When things seem to be going badly, we have a tendency to believe we can predict the future, and it is terrible! In other words, in such times, we tend to amplify our fears and make ourselves excessively emotional.

To combat these ideas and worries, we move away from our emotional thinking and into more concrete and objective reasoning. One rationale for doing so is that by thinking objectively we reduce our emotional responsiveness and move toward making good decisions.

Three Steps that Can Help

1 – Calm yourself

We are at our highest point emotionally when we feel we must act. Most of life’s decision do not need to be made right now. Instead, practice various ways of calming yourself so that you are prepared for difficult times. Heart Math is an excellent resource for you to evaluate for this purpose.

2 – Generate alternatives

Humans are the most creative of creatures. All you have to notice is how effective criminal types are for figuring out to beat the system for you to realize how creative we are. So, use your creativity to begin coming up with alternatives.

To help you think of solutions, look up brainstorming on the net. There will be many entries to get you started. The real goal, though, is to find a number of solutions for any and all of your problems.

Certainly not every solution will work and you will not want to do every solution but you can find some way to handle life’s vicissitudes.

3 – Implement

Probably the greatest barrier we have is putting our pedal to the metal. Generally, we like our lives as they are and don’t want to change. Like the idea that there is a silver lining on every dark cloud, so each challenge presents an opportunity for us to grow, become stronger or to be overcome by the effort. Make your choices well, they can come back to haunt you. you think of solutions, look up brainstorming on the net. There will be many entries to get you started. The real goal, though, is to find a number of solutions for any and all of your problems.

Certainly not every solution will work and you will not want to do every solution but you can find some way to handle life’s vicissitudes.

3 – Implement

Probably the greatest barrier we have is putting our pedal to the metal. Generally, we like our lives as they are and don’t want to change. Like the idea that there is a silver lining on every dark cloud, so each challenge presents an opportunity for us to grow, become stronger or to be overcome by the effort. Make your choices well, they can come back to haunt you.

Worry is probably the only quality humans have that the rest of the animal kingdom cannot claim. You know you’ve seen a dog almost get hit but, since it didn’t, it comes over to you right after and wants to play or to be petted. A human, on the other hand, would be thinking about this problem for hours and maybe talking about it for days, if not years.

Worry, in terms of your physical health, is tied to heart attacks, early aging, a compromised immune system as well as stomach aches, headaches, neck aches, and muscular pain.

The old MAD comic book character used to say, “What me worry?” This should be your motto too.

Three things you can do to reduce your worries.

1 – Understand what you fear

Often, I find clients talking about being worried but they are often unclear what is bothering them. Only by careful questioning do the causes of their fear become obvious. Then, once we identify what is the cause for their worry, they often do not understand it. Too often, when they finally “get it,” they begin to see that they have been worrying extensively about things that never happen.

In addition, most of the time we worry about the same sort of thing over and over. For example, my worries tend to be grouped around money and keeping my weight at the proper level. As to money, I have learned that I usually worry for no reason (that is, I have adequate money to pay for everything). In terms of weight, well I ahven’t been so effective in that arena

2 – Take action

Most of the time, when we are afraid of something, we begin to avoid that experience. This means that we won’t think about the idea, will avoid situations connected to it, and will do our best not to have to deal with the problematic area. The best solution, then, is to take action. Begin a step-by-step program to make yourself no longer avoid the problematic area.

This is best typified by individuals who fear going in to grocery stores. To overcome their fear, they need first to go into the parking lot repeatedly until they are no longer afraid in the parking lot. Next, they should briefly enter the grocery store and come out. This is repeated until they can enter easily. The, they next go further and then further until they can enter the store and shop easily.

This model can help you overcome almost any fearful situation that you may experience.

One of the greatest challenges that many of us face is that of criticism. However, it is very obvious that, if you don’t get feedback about your behavior, you will not improve. Just think of all the criticism a professional ball player receives, or a profession author, or a professional speaker receives.

In fact, psychologists are forming groups to assist each practitioner to improve his/her performance through critical reviews of their interaction with clients.This approach offers a scary but very great opportunity for growth.

This then leads to the question, “ How can I handle any criticism that I receive?” There are four steps you can take to help you utilize the important information that criticism contains.

1 – Concentrate on the criticism and the sender

When we receive any critical comments, we have two important tasks to implement. The first is to consider the sender’s background. For example, for years, my wife would criticize my driving. Only when my children reached driving age did I realize that my wife criticized any family member’s driving. In other words, it had nothing to do with me.

This implies that you need to determine if the sender says this frequently (which makes the criticism have little true value) or if this is truly a message that has validity.

If the message is valid, then you must focus on the criticism and not personalize. What this means is that you need to try to listen and look for ways that this information can assist you in doing an improved job.

2 – Recognize the opportunity to improve

As the above statement reflects, you should realize that criticism does provide us with a chance to improve our skills. Your goal is not that you worked for twenty years and a job, which was a repetition of the first year 19 times. Rather, your goal should be to become a master of your skills, which requires refinement and improvement. In fact, Pablo Casals, a famous cello player, practiced four or five hours per day when he was in his 80s. He said that he just wanted to become better.

3 – Consider the situation

If you are working at a company doing a simple job, then the issue will become whether you can change or if you want to change. I have had certain jobs which I mastered in a short time. I could not have improved due to the limitations of the situation. Therefore, I couldn’t have changed even if I wanted. On the other hand, as a psychologist, I am faced with new variations and challenges at a daily basis. To do a better job, I want to improve and provide better service.

4 – Say “Thank You.”

If someone criticizes you, just like if someone complements you, thank them. In this way, no matter how hurtful or welcome the comment, the sender feels better and is unaware of how you truly may feel.

Two of the greatest impediments to our success are lack of confidence and procrastination. When we set goals for ourselves, this often reflects wish-fulfillment. Like throwing a penny in a wishing well, we make goals that we feel would be wonderful if we could do them. But, we may not really believe that these goals are doable.

Well, if you have set your goals for your new year (whether it comes on January1 or June 1), it is time to get them started and fulfilled.

1 – Build your confidence

Your level of confidence is similar to your level of strength or fitness. The more you work to build it, the stronger it becomes. This means that the more skills you develop, the more things you do that you find difficult, the higher your level of confidence.

2 – Stop procrastinating

Procrastination is a function of fear. People put off doing things because they feel that the task is too hard or difficult. Now, you are not being asked to climb Mt. Everest. Instead, you can change your life by learning what things you value, getting more education if necessary, breaking tasks into small, doable steps, and by working daily on the goals you have established.

Instead of being fearful and procrastinating, start today working on your values and goals. Set a daily to do list and do it. For example, I work almost every day on this blog. Yes, I do work a full time job and have family commitments but I wanted to have a greater internet presence. As a result, I have carved out the time on a nearly daily basis to work on that goal.

If I can, you can.

Self-Confidence has been defined as being assured, having freedom from doubt and as having a belief in yourself and your abilities. Clearly, based on this definition, self-confidence is a function of how your perceive yourself and not about your level of skill or ability.

For example, one of my clients, without a college degree, lied on the application, got a job at a NY brokerage, and worked settling various accounts related to bonds. Not only did she not have the “official” education; she also did not have any specific training. Clearly, she was assured of herself and really believed in her abilities.

At the same time, you probably know someone who has the “official education,” was trained to do a job but has a very hard time doing it. When I say this, I think of my wife who has had extensive training on using computers but who finds it hard to remember all the arcane commands and short cuts. As you can guess, she is not very assured in her use of many computer programs.

Then, how can you go about developing your self-confidence?

1 – Be willing to fail

My daughter, who has four years of Spanish training, is unwilling to speak in Spanish because she does not want to fail. Instead, you need to allow yourself to experiment and try various ways of handling problems. Remember, if there is a problem, there is a solution.

2 – Be resourceful

Many people believe that Asians are just gifted in math. Not so. Instead, they have traditionally worked in groups and exploited the resources of the group. Often, others either know of a solution or can name resources you can use to solve your problems. For example, my other daughter worked with her friends, over the phone, in high school and college to answer and solve problems. Likewise, I frequently refer my clients to others who have the knowledge of the problem.

3 – Don’t do the opposite of what you should do

Too often, we choose ways of solving our problems that we like. Even though our family members and friends suggest other alternatives, instead, we do it our way. Typically, the result is that you do what you shouldn’t. Exemplary are people who are trying to stop smoking. Instead of eliminating their access to cigarettes because they don’t want to “waste” them, they leave them around the house. Then, when they get stressed, they start smoking again.

4 – Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill

Too often, when we are faced with some type of obstacle, we ruminate about the problem and exaggerate its difficulty. In doing this, we will then avoid taking on the task because it is “just too hard.” Instead, break the task into small steps, do the steps and your fears will evaporate.

Every year, we consider what we would like to experience in the coming year. This, of course, leads to a variety of resolutions, most of which never are fulfilled. One of the reasons for this is that old habits are very hard to break. It would like you changing political parties (or becoming political or religious) after many years of participation.

But, if you are going to make resolutions, then you should do several things to make them happen.

First, work on only one resolution at a time. Therefore, if you want to change multiple things, make them sequential. That is, as I finish number 1 resolution, then I will move onto number 2.

Second, keep yourself away from temptations. Humans are very good at completing long term goals as long as they don’t put themselves into areas of temptations. For example: want to quit smoking, don’t go in where you normally buy cigarettes; want to lose weight, don’t go to the lunchroom with everyone else and eat by yourself (we eat more when we interact with others), etc.

Third, break the goal into small doable steps. If we make our goals into simple steps, it is easier to accomplish them and we can then reward ourselves for their accomplishment.

Four, find partners. As in AA, if you can find others working toward the same goal, it is easier to achieve that goal. Participation helps make achievement.

Five, review your goals on a daily basis. By doing this, you make sure that you are keeping a high priority on your important goal(s).

The great psychologist, Viktor Frankl, once said, “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity to implement it.”

As you move through life, seeking greater self-confidence and greater happiness, focusing yourself in finding your mission, finding your skills and committing to an action plan to bring you fulfillment are wonderful goals.

But, like the onslaught of emails that suggest that you can achieve your heart’s desires if you would only “click here,” you need to have a good sense of your direction if you would fulfill your destiny.

The idea that we can go down the wrong path is a central message in the Star Wars episodes, as Anakin Skywalker goes to the Dark Side. As these movies suggest, we can easily follow a pathway, feeling it is the right one, only to find out, later, that we were wrong. And, let me tell you, to have clients who are in their 50s or 60s, and have nothing is very heart wrenching.

To ensure that you move forward toward your own fulfillment, several steps will assist you.

1 – Trust yourself

For a few years, I worked in convalescent hospitals and learned that these environments could be good environments. But, what I really learned is that all of us, no matter what we earn, create or generate, will be okay even to the end of our lives. Many of the convalescent patients had been very poor or very wealthy, very powerful or very weak, very well known or just unknowns. They were still living, breathing and experiencing. In other words, I had to trust in myself that all would be perfectly alright no matter how much I tried to make everything alright.

2 – Learn your values

What do you value? My best friend recently passed away, a terrible thing. But, when he was 24 years of age, he realized that he wanted to be a teacher and to work in Los Angeles Unified School District. At the same time, he found out that LAUSD did not pay more for teachers with a Master’s degree than for a teacher without one. He stopped almost immediately working on his Master’s degree. He knew his values (to teach, to have time, to be a good father/husband and to surf) and did not feel compelled to get further education just because “you should.” Yes, he worked for years and years as a teacher, happy with his decision because he understood his values. What are yours?

3 – Commitment to action

Overcoming your fears and tackling the things you avoid, accepting who you are and committing yourself to your goals – this is what makes all of us happier. Basically, this means you take on the difficulties of life, change and alter you and your strategies as you pass through the years, and commit yourself to goals that you know can make you happy, just like my best friend.

These are steps that can be a great challenge but one you are up to.

Happiness is an idea that has been very popular for years. As Aristotle said, “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”

Then, if happiness appears to be a major goal in life, why do so many people feel frustrated with life and with their ration of happiness? The answer lies not in what we experience but more in how we experience what.

Though that last statement may seem a bit confusing, the real issue is that happiness is controlled by how we perceive our realities and not by what happens to us. American plains Indians may have felt themselves happy with their lives (had they been able to live their lives without American-European intrusions) even though my great-grandmother believed they were the poorest people she had ever seen.

There are six areas that we can work on that will make our lives happier even though reality may bite us.

1 – Get in contact with the present

Too often, humans spend excessive amounts of time thinking about what should have happened (the past) or worrying about what may happen (the future). Instead, put your attention on the present moment. Live here and live now. Your irritations of the past and your concerns about the future are just thoughts; they are not real. What is real is what you are doing now.

2 – Accept yourself

You are not a broken human. You are a human whose strategies may not be working for the present situation. Accept yourself and change your strategies. You do not have to be loyal to the methods you used in the past. Instead, find new ways to handle your problems. For once, use the advice you are given rather than doing what you want.

3 – Your thoughts are not you

Often, we believe that our thoughts make us “whole.” But, your thoughts are merely passing ideas. Learn to watch and categorize them. Soon, you will learn that you have repeated thought patterns (themas or characteristics).

Learn to accept both negative and positive thoughts, to identify the differences between thoughts and beliefs, learn to watch your thoughts without reacting to them. By learning to take control of your thoughts and not let your mind wander around as it may, you will find that you can develop emotional control – a central key to happiness.